What do you think? Do you think it’s a problem to act like you’re married when you’re not? Even if you’re dating?
I guess this question is tied to the question of whether you will regret how much of your heart (physically/emotionally/spiritually) you’ve given to the person you’re dating if you ever break up and end up being married to someone else.
What do you think? Is this a legitimate, inescapable fact that all dating couples need to keep in mind? Or is it actually no big deal – that it’s just a natural part of getting to know different people on the journey to finding/developing your spouse?
Feel free to be as theoretical or as specific in your ponderings/thoughts as you want.
Song of Solomon 8:4
“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (ESV)
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March 2, 2009 at 10:03 pm
jess
What exactly do you mean by “acting like you’re married” ? I imagine you’re not talking about pre-marital sex cause that would be an obvious no-no. I think most couples struggle with maintaining a balance between the intimacy required to get to know one another in order to make a good decision about marriage & also maintaining good boundaries in case it doesn’t work out. I have no practical experience in this area so all I have is theory.
March 2, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Paulman
Let’s hear the theory
March 3, 2009 at 12:23 am
jess
That’s as far as my theory goes, really. This is the part of advice giving where I usually say “ask someone who’s married” because I’m not really interested in advising my friends to do things that could be harmful to them!
In any case, I think “acting like you’re married when you’re dating” is not cool (although I still don’t exactly know what you mean by that, and different people might have different interpretations of that). Like I said before, there has to be an element where the couple can work out if they’re actually a good match. For example, there has to be some element of the guy exercising godly leadership in order for the girl to gauge whether she will be able to submit to him properly. (I can attest that submitting to male authority doesn’t feel the same from one guy to another). In this case, is that acting like being married? Yes. But the bond of marriage can never be reproduced in a dating relationship until the vows have been exchanged and the covenant has been consummated…. and then it’s no longer a dating relationship.
On the other hand, I think there are levels of intimacy that you can reach emotionally outside of marriage, even outside of dating that shouldn’t happen but can seem ‘innocent’. Some people think sharing a bed with a person of the opposite sex is fine since they’re ‘just sleeping’.
anyways, these are basic thoughts. I still don’t know if I answered your real underlying question.
March 3, 2009 at 5:30 pm
sugardaddydating
Dating is not equal to marriage… Once you are dating, you are dating… Once you are married, you are married…
Persons that tend to put the equal sign between this two tend to put the sign : “Private property, don’t tuch” to feel more secure about themselves or about the ones they are with OR they just like the feeling of being “married”… I guess you got my idea…
I think it’s stupid and surely scares people away…
March 4, 2009 at 2:27 am
Jill
i feel like this relates well to Stephanie’s recent blog post:
http://canaanbound.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/the-bachelor/
March 7, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Tabitha
wow, jill, that’s an extremely depressing blog post.
to touch on jess’s point about sleeping in the same bed, i think this also needs to be expanded to how you watch movies or cuddle. the “problem” with this is that through the dating process, you are growing together emotionally (and probably spiritually) which leads to more physical intimacy. more physical touch is not wrong i.e. hugs, dancing, holding hands, head on shoulder, arm around waist. however, there are lines that should be drawn that often aren’t i.e. cuddling (which i can only seem to think of lying down for some reason). i find that the couples who have lots of boundaries drawn either end up getting married sooner or breaking those boundaries, and people who don’t have the boundaries are reckless. it’s very much a heart issue versus a “did i cross that line? how close am i?”. what i mean by this is that on a moment-to-moment basis, are we asking ourselves “is this glorifying to God? do i have convictions about this? what WOULD Jesus do?”
as for your original question, paulman, i definitely think people get caught up in the moment (moment being longer than a couple seconds, but dating someone can blind you completely often times). one major problem with the whole dating process is that you never necessarily know where it’s headed. although couples do talk about getting married and maybe even how long until that time, doubts and fears are often not communicated through one or both sides. this isn’t necessarily a bad thing though, but it does cause problems in having that certainty. it’s not bad because you aren’t married yet, you don’t need to know every single thing going on in the person’s head. furthermore, communicated doubts can be harmful to the relationship and person if not delivered with tact. with all this said, i don’t think there’s a way to know certainly that you’re going to get married until the day you walk down the aisle. and so, you shouldn’t be acting like you’re married when you’re not, because you’re not. it’s really tough because it’s not like we ban this overall. it can’t be okay for some people and not for others. there are a few couples who i know are not engaged purely because of situational conditions. i think that they will get married. however, i need to continue to be firm in guarding oneself emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
March 7, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Paulman
Thanks for that well thought out post, Tabitha
When I wrote this post, I was specifically thinking about the boundaries that may lie around things that our generation takes as for granted when you’re “in a relationship”. Things like holding hands, arm around waist, or rubbing the person’s back. I’m personally not convinced that just because you’re officially dating means that those are all appropriate, ’cause one way I think about it is that if you end up not being with them anymore and sharing your life with someone else instead, wouldn’t you want to not have expressed such an intimacy with that previous person?
Anyways, I found some snippets from an interesting New York Times article – “A Simple Show of Hands”
“It is a lot more intimate to hold hands nowadays than to kiss,” said Joel Kershner, 23. Because of that, he said, reaching for someone’s hand these days has more potential for rejection than leaning in for a smooch at a party where alcohol is flowing.
Libby Tyler, 20, said it was “weird that hand-holding is more serious,” but true. “It’s something that you lead up to,” she said.
April 6, 2009 at 2:09 am
stringo0
Playing with words, I’d say “You shouldn’t act like you are married till you are married” makes sense.
There’s definitely things you do when you are married that you do when dating – fellowship, intimacy etc. But there’s other things you do when you are married that you shouldn’t do when you’re not married. Things like sex are obvious, but the other things – holding hands, rubbing the person’s back, kissing etc. I think depends on the people involved and the culture. For example, in India it might be rare to see couples doing anything more than holding hands together, whereas in North America it might be culturally acceptable to rub someone’s back, kiss etc. while dating.
I’d say for the non-obvious things it is a heart issue, depends on the couple and culture, and similar to alcohol, you need to be sensitive to people around you when you’re doing things together. And it is a big deal that needs to be kept in mind, or else it might lead to doing something regrettable.
September 5, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Re-hash on “Acting like you’re married” « Total Rip-Off (Paulman’s blog)
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